In her book, The Gifts of Imperfection, researcher and author Brené Brown, Ph.D, says, “Perfectionism is a self-destructive and addictive belief system that fuels this primary thought: If I look perfect and do everything perfectly, I can avoid or minimize the painful feelings of blame, judgment, and shame.” I’m going to share with you one of my crash-and-burn experience with perfectionism, explain the connection between perfectionism and loneliness, help you recognize if you have the perfectionism bug, and provide you with a winning strategy to overcome perfectionism.
I got married the first time in my early twenties. I thought that if I was married, I’d be doing life the right and perfect way and it would mean that I was good, lovable, and worthy of approval. After several “failed” relationships, I was finally matched up by a family member. I thought to myself, “Yes, this is the right way.” I was so focused on executing what I thought was the perfect plan to gain approval and love, I had no idea that I wasn't even close to being ready for marriage. I really didn’t know how to have a healthy relationship with another person because I had a deeply unhealthy relationship with myself. Long story short, we divorced less than two years later and this crash-and-burn experience drove me into a deeper hole of loneliness. I felt like the biggest failure on the planet and experienced a lot of shame.
Fewer things are lonelier than being trapped in the pursuit of perfectionism but to the untrained eye, it can look like ultimate success and fulfillment on the outside. Perfectionism is a creative yet controlling and stifling coping strategy born out of feelings of shame, insecurity, and unworthiness. This strategy usually begins in childhood, often as a result of nature and nurture, and, left unchecked, carries forward into adulthood.
While perfectionism can have some benefits and rewards leading to material success or social status, it’s ultimately a losing strategy when it comes to your long-term health and relationships. Research suggests that those who struggle with perfectionism are more likely to experience depression, social hopelessness, and loneliness.
When you think about it, it makes perfect sense. If you are focused on trying to be perfect, you'll miss out on genuine and authentic connection and presence with yourself and others, which is what your heart truly longs for and is the key to overcoming loneliness.
Perfectionism ends up doing the opposite of what you hope for, it leaves you with an abundance of shame and a scarcity of love; it gives rise to deep loneliness and even addictive behaviors that keep you stuck in the cycle.
Is perfectionism lurking in the background of your mind? Here are some questions to ask yourself:
Do you agonize over details until they’re just right?
Do you more easily see problems than solutions?
Are you often worried about how other people think about you?
Do you get down on yourself for making even the smallest mistakes?
Do you feel like nothing you do is ever good enough, no matter how hard you try, even when others praise your work?
If you answered yes to one or more of these questions, you may struggle with perfectionism. Just so you know, you’re in good company and these patterns don’t have to rule your life.
Vulnerability and self-compassion are key components of developing a loving relationship with yourself and help you move from approval-based living to value-based living. You can breathe again because you’re living with a solid foundation of security and love within yourself that isn’t dependent on perfect performance or on the perceptions of others. This is a recipe for real connection and lasting love.
The next time you find your perfectionism ruling over a situation that is literally not life or death, pause for a moment and pull back from the task at hand. Practice this exercise of self-connection:
Check in with your body to see how it’s feeling and check in with how you’re breathing.
Regulate your breathing.
Tell yourself, “I’ve gotten caught up in perfectionism again. This is hard to change. I feel ______. I need ______. I love you.”
Take 5 deep breaths.
Decide what matters most right now and proceed accordingly.
Let me know how it goes.
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And remember,
you are always loved no matter what.
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