Fifteen years ago, I had a vision. I wanted to be exactly where I am today. It was a big goal—one that took over 15 years to accomplish. And now that I’m here… I’m not really any happier than I was back then.
I mean, my life is objectively better. I’m far less depressed. I feel more whole. But that’s not because of the goal itself—it’s because of everything in between. The education. The therapy. The life changes. The divorce recovery. The spiritual practice. The relationships I've gained. The way I learned to sit with myself, to grow, to heal. Y'all, that stuff was not on my vision board.
But if achieving my biggest goal didn’t bring lasting happiness, what the heck does?
The Science of Why Success Doesn't Bring Happiness
It turns out, the end result wasn’t the thing. The process was.
And when I really sit with this, I realize—this isn’t just my personal experience. There’s actual science behind it. Psychologists have a term for this: hedonic adaptation.
Research shows that whether you achieve something amazing (like landing your dream job or building your dream home) or experience something difficult (like a breakup or even the loss of a limb), your happiness eventually settles back to where it was before. (A little discouraging, I know.)
This explains why, despite reaching a huge career milestone that I've been chasing for years, I don’t feel dramatically different (drat!). In fact I'm left wondering, what the heck was that chase for?
Can you relate?
If Goals Don’t Lead to Fulfillment, What Does?
Research suggests that fulfillment doesn’t come from goal accomplishment alone, rather it comes from living in alignment with your values.
Studies on well-being show that people who focus on intrinsic values, things like connection, personal growth, and contribution, typically to feel more fulfilled than those who are on the perpetual pursuit of more: more money, accolades, material things, square footage, etc.
In other words, the deeper source of meaning isn’t in what we accomplish but in the why we pursue it.
I'm sorry to say that keeping up with the Jones' or your family's expectations of you are not actually going to make you happy in the long run. It'll just make you feel trapped, tired, and depleted.
The Real Rewards Are in the Process
I was befuddled. Why even set goals in the first place of success doesn't bring happiness? Am I just mindlessly living out my cultural programming to accomplish goals? Is it because I think reaching my goals will change something fundamental about who I am or how people perceive me or how I perceive myself?
Will I be a better person because I accomplished my goals?
Or is it because I want a fuller experience of life? To know that I matter... that I loved and am loved. External accomplishments will never satisfy these deeper human needs.
Think about the last time you worked toward something big. A degree, a new job, a major personal milestone. How long did your happiness about the thing really last? Probably not long, if you're being honest.
But–How much of that experience shaped you? The discipline, the learning, the resilience—those were the real rewards, not just the end result.
What Kind of Goals Actually Bring Meaning?
There’s also something to be said about the kinds of goals you set. Some goals are rooted in extrinsic motivation—things like recognition, financial success, or status.
Others come from intrinsic motivation—your inner values, desires for growth, fulfillment, meaning, and love.
Research in psychology shows that people who focus on intrinsic goals experience greater life satisfaction and well-being. It’s not about checking something off a list; it’s about becoming the kind of person you want to be and the kind of person that you want to be remembered as when you're gone.
The Key to Lasting Fulfillment
When I look back at my journey, what actually changed me wasn’t the goal itself—it was the process of growing into it. And that growth wasn’t random. It happened because, whether I realized it or not, I was pursuing something deeper than just success. I was following values—relationships, spirituality, curiosity, healing, wisdom.
The goal was just the container. The real work, the real fulfillment, came from living in alignment with what mattered to me.
And that's pretty cool.
A Better Question to Ask Yourself
So maybe the real question isn’t “What goals should I set next?” but “What values do I want to live out?”
And if that’s the case, maybe setting goals isn’t about getting somewhere new. Maybe it’s about deepening the way you move through life, making sure each step you take is rooted in what truly matters most to you.
What This Means for Your Next Goal
As I think about my future, I'm not going to just set goals—I want to set value-driven goals. Goals that reflect what I truly care about. Goals that help me grow into a deeper version of myself and more deeply live out what matters most to me in this season of life. Things like health, connection, adventure, sustainability, and stability.
What about you? What if your next goal wasn’t just about achievement, but about transformation? How would that change the way you move through life?
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